The secret is in the journey

Every beginning has to end, and every end is a beginning for a new beginning...
It is always this time of the year that brings me to the point of self-assessment and evaluation. As we are drawn close to the end of this year, there are floods of memories both good and bad that cross my mind. We start every year with hopes, dreams and ambitions. Sometimes we are fortunate enough to achieve them, and there are times we fail. This time of the year seems like a magical thread that binds an end to a beginning. An end and a beginning co-existing... standing side by side to reflect what life is about. It is about many ends... end of childhood, end of innocence, end of college life, end of bachelorhood... end of life itself. But every end brings us to a new beginning.
In this cycle of life, we are constantly attempting to reach the end of something. May it be our tasks, challenges, goals, ambitions, be it any... we are constantly performing to reach the end. At the same time, we are ever enthusiastic to plan our new beginnings. We are always full of plans... say it our career, family, anything... we are ever ready with a new project even before the old project is complete. We have our diaries filled with appointments, calls, to-do lists, of the next year even before the old year comes to an end.

With the approaching end of this year, as usual, I went back to this self-assessment mode. But surprisingly, I realised that there were certain things this year has brought to me which were not just targets to be completed, but moments to be cherished. There were certain goals I could reach and many I couldn't. But in the end, it didn't matter as much as the journey itself. It was not just about running to reach them but to stand and enjoy the journey I made. This year has taught me that it is not really important to reach the destination but what matters is the memories of those glimpses during the journey that we cherish. 

Nothingness

Has anyone experienced nothingness? I have longed for it for quite some years... but when it finally hit me, i am trying to run away. Is it me or is it like this to finally come face to face with "nothingness"?
I have always had tides of emotions... love, hate, anger, fear, joy, pleasure..... I have always looked forward to a new day, a new start, a pleasant evening or a crazy hangout with friends. I loved to have emotions, to be able to feel, to have an opinion on everything I experience. It was a roller coaster ride, but I enjoyed every bit of it. In the midst of all this, there were times I silently longed for nothingness... I wanted to be nothing and feel nothing... be in a state of tranquility... peace that I can finally rest in... I wondered if that moment would ever arrive.

It all came with an episode of loss.... loss of a precious life... loss of a hope... where an end came even before the beginning. I wanted to feel sad, I wanted to experience the feeling of loss, I wanted to cry, I wanted to be angry... but then it stuck me.... that feeling of emptiness. I looked sad because I was expected to... I smiled because people around me wanted to cheer me up.... I talked normally.. and behaved absolutely normal.... but there was this underlying feeling of nothingness... I didn't feel any emotion at all... except that big gaping hole in my stomach... or was it in my chest??? I didn't care for anyone around me... they were just other objects like cloths, bed or books... I didn't care if the world existed, I didn't feel love, hatred or agony. I was desperate to feel something... even if it was pain or sadness... I just wanted to have a feeling. But that nothingness I longed for.. finally overtook me. It swallowed my tears along with my smiles... it ate away my fears along with my hope. There was nothing I looked forward to, there was nobody I longed for. I got completely engulfed in an unresponsive state. I stayed there looking into this vast emptiness with neither fear nor desire.

Now I remember those days when I longed for this feeling of nothing. I thought it would bring peace to my otherwise turbulent emotional status. Now I know, I was wrong. Tranquility is not necessarily peace... nothingness is not necessarily meditation.... It is a disorder because it is after all, these emotions that make us human. 

where the 'I' ends and the other begins

After writing for final term papers i developed an aversion towards writing. It is like the feeling you get when you eat too much sweet. You feel like eating and you know that you love it, but cant bring yourself to eating it. I was in a similar state of overwriting. But finally today i opened my blog only too see a dozen of half completed scribbles. This post, only with the title written... reminded me that i wanted to write about it but couldn't find time then. So I finally threw the veggies I was chopping... while happily watching a saas bahu soap... and dragged myself in front of the computer.... I hope you enjoy this read.

In my previous post "who am I?" i was discussing the nature of 'I', but before asking what is this so called 'I', it is relevant to ask "where is this I?" where do we perceive this "I"? Is it inside our body or outside. Most of us might accept that it is inside the body. Not sure where exactly... but somewhere within. But, are there instances when we perceive it outside?? Instances where we perceive our self outside our physical existence? Let us consider some examples... For a mother of new born child, where does this 'I' reside? inside her... inside the child or somewhere between the child and the mother? For her, 'I' might include both her body and the child's body. It might reside somewhere between the two bodies. Where does 'I' reside between a husband and a wife? somewhere in the space between the two... In such relations, when a person says 'I', it includes two bodies. If we can extend this argument further... In a family, the 'I' resides between all the members of it... if we can still push the limits of this argument... we can say for a patriot "I' resides among his/her countrymen. if we can still extend it... for a human, I resides between all the other human beings on this earth... still pushing it, I exists between all the living beings existing at that time.
Sometimes 'I' not only exists among beings that are in the present but also includes beings of the past and the future.... So 'I' can exist within me or it can exist everywhere around me. It depends on the capability of the person to push the boundaries and include everything into his/her 'I'.
This reminds me of a line from Bhakta Prahlada... who says "ఇందు గలడందు లేడని సందేహము వలదు చక్రి సర్వోపగతున్ దెందెందు వెతకి చూచిన నందందు కలడు దానవగ్రిని వింతె" (translation:"Oh Demon king ! You don’t have to doubt His existence. He is seen in any place you can name. There is no place he cannot be.) This could be a way of saying... any person who can extend his presence to all the beings around him is equal to God. That person who can include and have compassion for everything around him/her both in the past, present and future, can be no less than God. It is the inclusive capability of a person that makes them greater. One can only become bigger by including and smaller by excluding.

Now the question is... "How big or small is your 'I'?" How inclusive or exclusive are we? this is something to ponder upon.

Are we running too much?

I ran.... I ran fast... faster.... till I had no more breathe... I ran till I suffocated.... I ran until my legs started shivering, until I could no longer breathe, I gasped for air, I couldn't stand on my feet anymore. I ran as if 24 hours were not enough. I ran in day and night. I ran in my sleep, even in my dreams. I ran to school, extra curricular activities, I ran to college, ran hard to reach the top, get a job, ran endlessly on job, ran for higher studies.... In the name of running, i forgot to live. I forgot to stop and enjoy life, enjoy being alive, enjoy the beauty of a morning dew drop or chirping of a bird. I found no life in the last 25 years i lived, since i never lived.

 I never let a single moment pass by and enjoy the beauty of the moment. There were thousand thoughts and goals rushing in my brain even when i was getting married. I wanted the ceremony to be over fast, so that i can run back to my job, to my routine, to my to-do list. I had too many goals, ambitions, to-be completed projects, assignments, things to do, etc. I rather watched a movie on the novel than enjoy reading it, since it took more time. I forgot the art of listening to a song completely, my finger was ever ready to press the 'next' button. I skipped songs and fights on the DVD, sometimes even the most beautiful scenes. I wanted to reach the end soon and get the essence of it quicker. I spoke fast, read fast, even walked and cooked fast. I found new techniques of doing things fast so that i can do more things. There was no single moment of tranquility and peace.I didn't know how to enjoy the success or achievement, as my mind already raced behind the next goal.There was no thought, no introspection, no deep dwelling. I was covered with multiple to-dos in a day. I dint leave time for thinking, in fact i ran away from it in the name of running.

At some point, i couldn't run anymore. I stopped, I looked back, looked inside, tried to derive a purpose to all the running, but found it purposeless. I couldn't derive a meaning for the mad run and the hysteric chase. I didn't know what i was running for. Finally the time has come. It demanded me to slow down, calm my brain and senses. Stop for a while and enjoy the moment. I didn't stop doing things. I stopped doing unnecessary, multiple things. I tried to think slow but think deep. Every thought needs its own time to synthesize and take shape. Let the thought flow in its natural course. By pushing it, we are not just changing its direction but also reducing its quality. Take time to think about a problem, a thought, a possibility, an answer. And this is what 2013 has given me. It taught me to be slower but better, be at more peace with myself, be and 'live' in this beautiful world around, take time and actually listen to people- not their words, but their silences, be a better person, lead a more gratifying life, and a lesson that slow is not bad, slow is more quality, more essence and more fetching. A lesson that being a tortoise is better than being a rabbit.

In the dawn of a new year, I wish all of you a slow, pleasing and joyous new year. Hope this year goes as slow as possible, since this time can never come back, and we don't want to run to the end. Sit back and enjoy every moment, whether it is hard work or fun. Wish this year brings out best in people in both thought and action.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

carrying or career- thoughts of a feminist philosopher

"successful feminists don't have kids... sometimes are not even married" is a very insulting comment I once came across. Though most feminists had to give away their female roles for doing their jobs as feminists, they have nevertheless paved a way for the rest to operate in an equal society. Feminism does not mean hatred towards the other gender, it is just an expression of equality of both genders. It is about accepting that there are certain things men can do and women can't, and other things like giving birth, which women can do and men cant. It is the acceptance of equality of value and contribution both genders offer to the society.This taboo of feminists being female chauvinistic, ego eccentric, dominating females is still in place. Feminism is not about dominance... it is in fact against dominance. It is against the dominance of one gender.

Why are we humans so prejudiced? man-woman, rich-poor, white-black, young-old, Brahmain-Sudra, beautiful-ugly, straight-gay and the list is end less. Can't we see everybody as mere humans who should have equal opportunities to live and thrive? How many generations would we carry these prejudices for? are we not done? Didn't we have enough?

This thought kept bothering me after I saw one of my friends who had to attend to her job right after a month of her delivery, since she used a part of her maternity leave before delivery, due to complications. She had to go on night-shifts which left the baby crying all night. People can blame her that it was her choice but it wasn't in fact her choice. It was nature's choice to stow the mighty responsibility of nourishing a new life on females. Should she be punished for that? It is time our government, employers, colleagues take a note of the contribution 'SHE' is making to the society, and lend a hand in helping her sail through the process. Women are already stretched beyond their limits, both physically and mentally,  in this process of childbirth. They now have a responsibility of another completely dependent life on them. Would it harm us so much if we offer them a warm smile, an understanding nod, a gesture of empathy and a flexible policy?
YES. There are policies in place... but most of them limited to top companies or public sector units. Only if a woman is privileged enough to work in such places, would she be able to avail this. Again, how many companies actually have creches to facilitate the motherhood? What should they do with the child after their maternity leave period?
Again, after arguing so much about equality, how many fathers would be willing to leave their job and babysit, when the woman wants to go back to work? Did we see a single example in our experiences till date? if so, how many? Is it not equal responsibility of both the parents to take care of the child? How does the responsibility of taking care of the child till his schooling and building his/her character goes naturally to the mother, while the rights of decision making, as to which school/college the child should go, which specialization the child should choose, who the child should get married to, etc. goes naturally to the father. Why again the terms like sacrifice, compromise, prioritize etc keep coming back to women?

It is a prevalent argument that "It was her choice to continue working and she should cope with that." But when a man is not put under that situation and never faces that dilemma, it gets tiringly difficult to argue with them the reasons for wanting to work. She might have studied in school, college, university, equal to you or even better than you, she might have worked equally or more hard than you to come to that position, she might have spent equal or more sleep less nights to deliver the work expected.... etc. why should all this change only because she is capable of and willing to give birth to a baby?

It is time we understand the struggle and dilemma a mother goes through in bringing up her children and it is our responsibility to lend a helping hand, either at office, home or elsewhere and appreciate their efforts and sacrifices. It would be a positive change if one can offer more generous help say in washing dishes or changing diapers of the baby at home to offering help at work so that she can go home early to hug the small dependent life of her. This is my new year resolution.... what is yours?

PS: Yes. the number of fathers taking care of their children is increasing as compared to twenty years     back.... and it shouldn't stop here... we have a long road ahead to achieve this equality of thought and action.

What is 'Truth'?

Since my childhood, if there is one thing I observed common to all Indians, it is their layers of thought. No thought or action is simple and straight. There are convolutions of thought and this happens at different levels.
For every action there is a practical explanation and a spiritual one. This might seem absurd to some of my non-Indian friends and they tend to take us as complicated people. But the truth is simple, if we can understand the way these layers are brought into our daily life, it solves most of the problems.

 For most Indians (I am not sure about the western counterparts. I am not qualified to make any comments on it), the spiritual and materialistic worlds form two layers of their life. There are two levels of truths with which we operate in.
1. Vyavaharika satya (practical truths)
2. Paramarthika satya (eternal truths)

Vyavaharika satya is most of the times percieved by one's senses, whereas Paramarthika satya is perceived by the mind. The eternal truth is universal, and unchangeable. One's perception of this world around, and their part in the world forms their vyavaharika satya. This practical truth might differ from person to person, while eternal truth (also called 'Brahman' in Advaitian terms) remains longstanding.

This eternal truth is the one that keeps a person detached from this daily chaos, while still being a part of it. It brings in a sense of bigger entity (God) and a bird's view of life. This idea or thought is very essential to stay stable by not being affected by the traumas of everyday's life. Even in the worst of times, a person can see life from a macro view and get convinced that the situation he/she is in, is a very small one. Paramarthika satya keeps the connection between the eternal entity (God) and a person (Atman in terms of Advaita).

The vyavaharika satya keeps a person strung to the reality and continue to do his everyday tasks. It brings in a sense of practicality and a purpose to life. It keeps you in touch with the reality and senses.

If you see somebody doing a job or doing some act, we can understand his two levels of thought behind it.
Practical truth- he is doing it because it is his job to do it. It is the practical necessity for him to do it.
Eternal truth- By doing it, he is performing his karma and doing what is written in his fate. In a larger sense, he is destined to do it, and he is doing it. This world is just an illusion and his life a passing phase. To reach brahman, he should go through this illusion.

Using my science background, if I can draw an analogy of a man to a bacterial cell in a colony, the practical truth to the bacteria is its existence and survival, where as for someone looking into the microscope, it looks like illusion.

So, all my non-Indian friends, next time you make a judgement about an Indian being complex, try to look into which layer of thought he is in, at that point of time. You might understand him better.

Memories... bane or boon?

What started as "hi.. are you new to the class?" to today's sitting in the balcony and watching the mysterious and beautiful sun sinking into the horizon. It feels like nothing has changed... but nothing remained constant. Everything around us changed, the place we live, the new relation we are now bound with, people we interact with, jobs we do, the way we interact with each other.... everything. But when I look into your eyes, it is still the same. It reminds me of the day I first saw you- you trying to help me. Even today, every time I look at you, the same concern and love are still evident.

Things did not change much... memories are still fresh and alive. It feels like you and me are frozen in this world running haphazard around us. This world never cared for people who lag behind. It is mercy-less in abandoning its children who don't run fast enough. But I never cared what this damn world thought or acted like. I was lost in a completely different world- a world of your thoughts. A world where i did not have to run, but stand still and watch. Nothing else seemed important or worth. This world calls me crazy but why do I get the same feeling when I see them?

People say that everything changed and we should change too... our relation should change... I should get on with life... but how do I get on with life, when YOU are my life? They say you are gone, you never come back, we are no more husband and wife, but I am a widow and you are dead? How can you be dead if you still live in my eyes?

I wish you missed that bus.... I wish my memories erased...... I wish I was there in the bus.... i wish.....

(In memory of all those who were victims of our collective negligence)