Has anyone experienced nothingness? I have longed for it for quite some years... but when it finally hit me, i am trying to run away. Is it me or is it like this to finally come face to face with "nothingness"?I have always had tides of emotions... love, hate, anger, fear, joy, pleasure..... I have always looked forward to a new day, a new start, a pleasant evening or a crazy hangout with friends. I loved to have emotions, to be able to feel, to have an opinion on everything I experience. It was a roller coaster ride, but I enjoyed every bit of it. In the midst of all this, there were times I silently longed for nothingness... I wanted to be nothing and feel nothing... be in a state of tranquility... peace that I can finally rest in... I wondered if that moment would ever arrive.
It all came with an episode of loss.... loss of a precious life... loss of a hope... where an end came even before the beginning. I wanted to feel sad, I wanted to experience the feeling of loss, I wanted to cry, I wanted to be angry... but then it stuck me.... that feeling of emptiness. I looked sad because I was expected to... I smiled because people around me wanted to cheer me up.... I talked normally.. and behaved absolutely normal.... but there was this underlying feeling of nothingness... I didn't feel any emotion at all... except that big gaping hole in my stomach... or was it in my chest??? I didn't care for anyone around me... they were just other objects like cloths, bed or books... I didn't care if the world existed, I didn't feel love, hatred or agony. I was desperate to feel something... even if it was pain or sadness... I just wanted to have a feeling. But that nothingness I longed for.. finally overtook me. It swallowed my tears along with my smiles... it ate away my fears along with my hope. There was nothing I looked forward to, there was nobody I longed for. I got completely engulfed in an unresponsive state. I stayed there looking into this vast emptiness with neither fear nor desire.
Now I remember those days when I longed for this feeling of nothing. I thought it would bring peace to my otherwise turbulent emotional status. Now I know, I was wrong. Tranquility is not necessarily peace... nothingness is not necessarily meditation.... It is a disorder because it is after all, these emotions that make us human.
