Nothingness

Has anyone experienced nothingness? I have longed for it for quite some years... but when it finally hit me, i am trying to run away. Is it me or is it like this to finally come face to face with "nothingness"?
I have always had tides of emotions... love, hate, anger, fear, joy, pleasure..... I have always looked forward to a new day, a new start, a pleasant evening or a crazy hangout with friends. I loved to have emotions, to be able to feel, to have an opinion on everything I experience. It was a roller coaster ride, but I enjoyed every bit of it. In the midst of all this, there were times I silently longed for nothingness... I wanted to be nothing and feel nothing... be in a state of tranquility... peace that I can finally rest in... I wondered if that moment would ever arrive.

It all came with an episode of loss.... loss of a precious life... loss of a hope... where an end came even before the beginning. I wanted to feel sad, I wanted to experience the feeling of loss, I wanted to cry, I wanted to be angry... but then it stuck me.... that feeling of emptiness. I looked sad because I was expected to... I smiled because people around me wanted to cheer me up.... I talked normally.. and behaved absolutely normal.... but there was this underlying feeling of nothingness... I didn't feel any emotion at all... except that big gaping hole in my stomach... or was it in my chest??? I didn't care for anyone around me... they were just other objects like cloths, bed or books... I didn't care if the world existed, I didn't feel love, hatred or agony. I was desperate to feel something... even if it was pain or sadness... I just wanted to have a feeling. But that nothingness I longed for.. finally overtook me. It swallowed my tears along with my smiles... it ate away my fears along with my hope. There was nothing I looked forward to, there was nobody I longed for. I got completely engulfed in an unresponsive state. I stayed there looking into this vast emptiness with neither fear nor desire.

Now I remember those days when I longed for this feeling of nothing. I thought it would bring peace to my otherwise turbulent emotional status. Now I know, I was wrong. Tranquility is not necessarily peace... nothingness is not necessarily meditation.... It is a disorder because it is after all, these emotions that make us human. 

where the 'I' ends and the other begins

After writing for final term papers i developed an aversion towards writing. It is like the feeling you get when you eat too much sweet. You feel like eating and you know that you love it, but cant bring yourself to eating it. I was in a similar state of overwriting. But finally today i opened my blog only too see a dozen of half completed scribbles. This post, only with the title written... reminded me that i wanted to write about it but couldn't find time then. So I finally threw the veggies I was chopping... while happily watching a saas bahu soap... and dragged myself in front of the computer.... I hope you enjoy this read.

In my previous post "who am I?" i was discussing the nature of 'I', but before asking what is this so called 'I', it is relevant to ask "where is this I?" where do we perceive this "I"? Is it inside our body or outside. Most of us might accept that it is inside the body. Not sure where exactly... but somewhere within. But, are there instances when we perceive it outside?? Instances where we perceive our self outside our physical existence? Let us consider some examples... For a mother of new born child, where does this 'I' reside? inside her... inside the child or somewhere between the child and the mother? For her, 'I' might include both her body and the child's body. It might reside somewhere between the two bodies. Where does 'I' reside between a husband and a wife? somewhere in the space between the two... In such relations, when a person says 'I', it includes two bodies. If we can extend this argument further... In a family, the 'I' resides between all the members of it... if we can still push the limits of this argument... we can say for a patriot "I' resides among his/her countrymen. if we can still extend it... for a human, I resides between all the other human beings on this earth... still pushing it, I exists between all the living beings existing at that time.
Sometimes 'I' not only exists among beings that are in the present but also includes beings of the past and the future.... So 'I' can exist within me or it can exist everywhere around me. It depends on the capability of the person to push the boundaries and include everything into his/her 'I'.
This reminds me of a line from Bhakta Prahlada... who says "ఇందు గలడందు లేడని సందేహము వలదు చక్రి సర్వోపగతున్ దెందెందు వెతకి చూచిన నందందు కలడు దానవగ్రిని వింతె" (translation:"Oh Demon king ! You don’t have to doubt His existence. He is seen in any place you can name. There is no place he cannot be.) This could be a way of saying... any person who can extend his presence to all the beings around him is equal to God. That person who can include and have compassion for everything around him/her both in the past, present and future, can be no less than God. It is the inclusive capability of a person that makes them greater. One can only become bigger by including and smaller by excluding.

Now the question is... "How big or small is your 'I'?" How inclusive or exclusive are we? this is something to ponder upon.

Are we running too much?

I ran.... I ran fast... faster.... till I had no more breathe... I ran till I suffocated.... I ran until my legs started shivering, until I could no longer breathe, I gasped for air, I couldn't stand on my feet anymore. I ran as if 24 hours were not enough. I ran in day and night. I ran in my sleep, even in my dreams. I ran to school, extra curricular activities, I ran to college, ran hard to reach the top, get a job, ran endlessly on job, ran for higher studies.... In the name of running, i forgot to live. I forgot to stop and enjoy life, enjoy being alive, enjoy the beauty of a morning dew drop or chirping of a bird. I found no life in the last 25 years i lived, since i never lived.

 I never let a single moment pass by and enjoy the beauty of the moment. There were thousand thoughts and goals rushing in my brain even when i was getting married. I wanted the ceremony to be over fast, so that i can run back to my job, to my routine, to my to-do list. I had too many goals, ambitions, to-be completed projects, assignments, things to do, etc. I rather watched a movie on the novel than enjoy reading it, since it took more time. I forgot the art of listening to a song completely, my finger was ever ready to press the 'next' button. I skipped songs and fights on the DVD, sometimes even the most beautiful scenes. I wanted to reach the end soon and get the essence of it quicker. I spoke fast, read fast, even walked and cooked fast. I found new techniques of doing things fast so that i can do more things. There was no single moment of tranquility and peace.I didn't know how to enjoy the success or achievement, as my mind already raced behind the next goal.There was no thought, no introspection, no deep dwelling. I was covered with multiple to-dos in a day. I dint leave time for thinking, in fact i ran away from it in the name of running.

At some point, i couldn't run anymore. I stopped, I looked back, looked inside, tried to derive a purpose to all the running, but found it purposeless. I couldn't derive a meaning for the mad run and the hysteric chase. I didn't know what i was running for. Finally the time has come. It demanded me to slow down, calm my brain and senses. Stop for a while and enjoy the moment. I didn't stop doing things. I stopped doing unnecessary, multiple things. I tried to think slow but think deep. Every thought needs its own time to synthesize and take shape. Let the thought flow in its natural course. By pushing it, we are not just changing its direction but also reducing its quality. Take time to think about a problem, a thought, a possibility, an answer. And this is what 2013 has given me. It taught me to be slower but better, be at more peace with myself, be and 'live' in this beautiful world around, take time and actually listen to people- not their words, but their silences, be a better person, lead a more gratifying life, and a lesson that slow is not bad, slow is more quality, more essence and more fetching. A lesson that being a tortoise is better than being a rabbit.

In the dawn of a new year, I wish all of you a slow, pleasing and joyous new year. Hope this year goes as slow as possible, since this time can never come back, and we don't want to run to the end. Sit back and enjoy every moment, whether it is hard work or fun. Wish this year brings out best in people in both thought and action.

HAPPY NEW YEAR